Scouting Report

I came across this scouting report on Peyton at peytonmanning18.com:

Is not the runner, scrambler or improviser his father was as a rookie. A little tight in the hips and stiff. Not naturally smooth and fluid. Lacks a great arm. Can't throw off-balance with zip as Favre or Elway can. Needs to set his feet to zip the ball. Does not throw a really tight spiral much of the time, and the ball will wobble at times. Was taught to pump his feet and to keep them moving at almost all times in college and also to slightly under throw the deep ball so his receiver could come back and make a play on it. Thus, he may need to break some old habits.

I'm pretty sure these Peyton negatives were written before he was drafted, and the author would likely change some things if it were written now. But, since this paragraph exists, I thought I would break it down line-by-line, writing what I think Peyton would think.

Is not the runner, scrambler or improviser his father was as a rookie.
Good thing the Colts didn't factor this in when they drafted, because Ryan Leaf is a way better scrambler than his father ever was. Plus, I would have blown by the old man in the 40.

A little tight in the hips and stiff. Not naturally smooth and fluid.
I'm a football player, not a model.

Lacks a great arm.
I own a laser-rocket arm.

Can't throw off-balance with zip as Favre or Elway can.
Moot point. I'm never off balance. And, I'm prettier than both of them.

Needs to set his feet to zip the ball.
What's with the use of the word zip? Zip is defined as a short brief hissing sound. Well, my throws hiss the entire time.

Does not throw a really tight spiral much of the time, and the ball will wobble at times.
My balls don't wobble.

Was taught to pump his feet and to keep them moving at almost all times in college and also to slightly under throw the deep ball so his receiver could come back and make a play on it. Thus, he may need to break some old habits.
Hell, I could throw off one leg and blindfolded and still have a better career QB rating than Ryan Leaf. Davey O'Brien, Johnny Unitas, and Maxwell speak for themselves.

So, if Peyton were to rewrite the scouting report, it would look something like this:
Could smoke his Dad in the 40-yard dash. It is doubtful he will ever have a career as a male model. He is never off balance, and can throw the ball in such a manner that it makes a sustained hissing sound. He is prettier than both Favre and Elway, and his balls rarely wobble. He sometimes dances in the pocket and under throws receivers, but this is OK because he does it on purpose. He won the Davey O'Brien, Johnny Unitas, and Maxwell awards in college. Thus, Ryan Leaf did not.